Let’s be honest…when we first started our journey after saying “I do”, it was more that we are just going through the motions of the marriage ceremony than anything. Sure, we have found a great partner that we are willing to spend time together. But to put into practice the part where it says “for better or worse, through richer and poorer” is seriously easier said than done.
By the grace of God and I say this intently that it is really the undeserved mercy from God, that allow us to be still happily married after all these years. We shall be celebrating our 25th anniversary (silver anniversary) in 2026, with 2 kids who still are talking to us and here is to the many more years to come. So I thought that it will be good that I spend some time going through some of the lessons experienced (good and bad) over the years and hopefully, guide couples as they begin and continue their lives together….
Here are some of the common pitfalls to avoid, and best practices for a strong lasting relationship…
Top Pitfalls to Avoid
1. Communication:
- Avoiding tough communication or shutting down during conflict
Why this is Important: Healthy communication is the backbone of a successful relationship
Yes, as much as we don’t wish to admit it, couples fight. The couple who are lovey-dovey all the time fight. The couple who hold their hands everywhere they go, they fight. And the ones who are looking at each other with sexy eyes as though they are going straight home to bed…well, they fight too. The reason is that we are all humans with imperfections, we all have imperfect ideas, with imperfect thoughts. When we don’t agree with each other, well, it starts with a minor disagreement that could be a meagre as the color of the product we both wanted. This then escalates to a larger one and to a full-blown fight with zero communication for the next few days…yes, we have been through that. In some cases, we give in and let the other-half make the decision. In some others, we agree to disagree (that’s what they say in business).
If you have not had a diagreement, well, just wait. There will be decisions on the kids, the house to get, the decoration, how the kitchen should look like, how big (and how much money) the man spends on the audio system, how much time he spends watching sports, etc.
Despite how difficult it is to say “we need to talk”, we absolutely must talk things out and perhaps on some, live with the fact that one probably will not win all the time. I wish I could announce that we did not let the sun go down on our anger (we are trying to), but that did not happen. And that is OK because we eventually ironed out the issues and agree to move on. Difficult as it may be, we have to learn to confront the issues and discuss together until we have a resolution, perhaps after waiting a few hours after the fight to allow the fire some time to simmer down.
But talk we must….
2. Unrealistic expectations:
- The belief that the partner will “complete” you in terms of finance, emotional support, etc
Why this is Important: Marriage is about partnership and not perfection
One that has us wondering are the extravagant spends – during major buys, and during birthdays and festive celebrations. Singapore is one of the most expensive places to live – high-priced cars, housing, etc. We have observed many who have bought private condominiums above $1.5M without the salary justifications, European-branded automobiles (such as Audi, BMW, Mercedes-Benz), bags/accessories from brands such as Cartier, Dior, LV, Prada or YSL, etc. While it is great to own such assets, we sometimes wonder if this is really necessary or if it is to meet ceratin expectations to show their friends and family that “we made it”.
One topic I discussed with my other-half is on getting a car. As some people may know, cars in the tiny nation of Singapore is expensive – in addition to the price of the car, we have to buy a document called the Certificate of Entitlement (COE) that give us the right to buy the car. As of today, the COE is hovering around $110-130K (about US$85K to $100K). So the total cost of the initial purchase is close to $150K…not exactly chicken-feed. We talked and agreed that we should delay getting the car until it was really necessary (when the kids are born), and then we choose that is within our means rather than going straight for a BMW.
Talking about emotional suppport, an unrealistic expectation is that the marriage will resolve all the issues. The reverse is sometimes more true, i.e. the marriage will cause even greater stress which will cause the outbursts to increase. While it is good to find a parter to rely on, the one thing that is worth repeating is that your partner is NOT your mother, and that life will NOT be perfect after the wedding and there is (sadly) NO SUCH THING as happily ever after.
What marriage does offer, is that we have another to help us through the tough times. When issues appear — financial, career, health or mental — we can rely on another shoulder to lean on to help us through. If we work together, we will be able to get through because that’s what tough people do.
3. Neglecting emotional intimacy
- Physical closeness matters, but share your thoughts as well
- Tell your partner your dreams, fears and daily experiences
Why this is Important: emotional connections sustain long-term love
This is the opposite of being tough. Sure, before the wedding, the guy is always seen to be the tough one and the one who will lead as head of the family, while the more submissive one is the lady. Well, time will tell if the following is really true. And with the way things are going, it’s anybody’s guess who the tough one really is. I have seen big guys break down mentally because of setbacks (health scares, business failures, unemployment due (multiple) company retrenchments), while the supposedly submissive wife takes over the family affairs.
In order to allow seamless takeover of family leadership (for just a little while, hopefully), each will have to be transparent on what it takes for them to be happy and what it takes for them to be totally destroyed. My experience is that the wife find this out only later when things start to get out of hand. For me, I have been fortunate that the wifey is able to manage this when I had issues with health and career transitions. In some families we have seen, many did not recover.
Share with your other half your dreams – to start a business, to write a book, to start a volunteer organization that is close to your heart. For some, it could be a fear of being retrenched due to company restructuring, potential issues due to wrong stock bets (esp. if you are into crypto), or family history of cancer, hypertension or other major diseases. To others, it could be nightmares due to a difficult boss or colleague, a diagnosis of a major disease, or becoming a victim of scams (which can be major, depending on how much you lose).
Any of these could happen to either spouse, and it does not matter if you are devout Christian and yes, I have questioned God countless time “Why?” Remember that if God allows calamities to strike Job, God will allow troubles to build us up.
Remember that “life goes on” and that “these too shall pass”. Failures are not the end of the world…as long as we are still alive, we can always get back again to our feet, together.
4. Financial stress without transparency
- Practice financial honesty
- Plan budgets together for travels, the next big buy, college expenses (kids)
Why this is Important: money issues are a leading cause of divorce
We all want to have a dream job: one that has excellent job security with a high salary that will still provide us a good work-life balance. Well, let me be the first to tell you this is a fallacy. There is no such thing. Also, the video that they show you at the end of high-school that says “find a job that you love and you never need to work a single day for your life” is another lie. I seriously wonder if they are still showing this video in the freshman year and if people still believe this to be true. Well, it is NOT true.
I would love to tell you that the ideal job exist, i.e. the one that makes us want to go to work each day (even on Mondays), that you would love the job and that you can stay in the job for the next 10-20 or even 30 years until you retire. This may be correct in my parents’ generation but this is true no longer. As such, we must plan for calamities and disasters that will come.
Ask any financial adviser and the first thing they will tell you to do is to ensure there is a 6-month emergency fund for the couple/family after paying off the essential food, utilities, rent and school fees. This is to cater for any health or unemployment issues that may come up. I guess that if this is standard, it probably means this is happening more often than people realize.
Next is to be sufficiently insured (health, disabilities, major diseases, accidents, fires) to make sure that if disaster strikes, we are still able to cope with the income loss. Once all these are catered for, then we probably need to cater some for personal entertainment, investments, holidays, kids’ enrichment classes, hobbies. To be honest, if you are a fairly-normal wage-earner, there is really not that much left…so please budget carefully.
I am still amazed what I see on Instagram – families flying business-class for ski vacations, buying another LV bag and the latest Swiss watch, front row tickets to the latest K-pop concert, or splurging on designer clothes…”how much do they make?”
5. Taking each other for granted
- Continue to express your love and appeciation for each other
- Make this a habit (kissing, holding hands, etc.) – that you will do it even when not prompted
Why this is Important: Familiarity can breed complacency
One common observation is that looks and the initial romance will somehow deteriorate after the wedding, esp. after the kids are born. Yes, if we do not work at it, there is always the possibility that we will lose “that loving feelin” as sung by the Righeous Brothers. Crazy as it sounds – the lyrics of the evergreen Karaoke song is an excellent, and very accurate depiction of what will happen in our marriages if we do not work at it.
Verse 1:
You never close your eyes anymore
When I kiss your lips
And there’s no tenderness like before
In your fingertips
Pre-Chorus:
You’re trying hard not to show it
But baby, baby I know it…
Chorus:
You’ve lost that lovin’s feelin’
Whoa that lovin’s feelin’
You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’
Now it’s gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh-oh
Verse 2:
Now there’s no welcome look in your eyes
When I reach for you
And now you’re starting to criticize
Little things I do
Pre-Chorus:
It makes me just feel like cryin’
Cos’ baby, something beautiful’s dying
Chorus:
You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’
Whoa that lovin’ feelin’
You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’
Now it’s gone, gone, gone, whoa-oh-oh
Bridge:
Baby, baby, I’d get down on my knees for you
If you would only, only love me like you used to do
We had a love, a love, a love that you don’t find every day
So don’t, don’t, don’t let it slip away
I beg of you, please, please
I need your love, I need your love
Well, bring it on back, bring it on back…
Chorus:
Bring back that lovin’ feelin’
Whoa that lovin’ feelin’
Bring back that lovin’ feelin’
Cos it’s gone, gone, gone
And I can’t go on, on, on, whoa-oh-oh…
While the lyrics may depict the correct sentiments of what happens if we allow the love-fire to diminish and smolder, I have to correct the notion that “love” is not really just a feeling. Love, in reality, in an action verb. Rather than feelin’ the love, we have act out the love.
How to not Lose that Lovin’ Feelin’ (even after years of marriage)
- Keep communicating deeply: talk about everything and listen intently (without judgement)
- Prioritize quality time: schedule for evening post-dinner walks, date nights, morning coffee
- Express appreciation: notice and acknowledge the small gestures of opening the door, preparing dinner, cleaning the toilets, the home repairs, etc.
- Keep physical affection alive: continue holding hands, bear hugs, steal kisses
- Grow together: set shared goals and bucket lists, plan travels, hobbies. Support each other in 10K/21K/marathons, tournaments, Hyrox, performances. Celebrate achievements.
- Address issues early: do not allow resentment to build. If need be, get external help to resolve issues, with the church pastor or professional counsellor. Not everything can be resolved just within the family so do this before the situation gets out of control.
- Keep fun alive: laugh together and try out new experiences – travel to new countries, indoor skydiving, new hobbies, concerts/performances, hiking, new restauranets of different cuisines, etc.